Visionary vs. the Elephant in the room. - Tales of the Parodyverse

Visionary awoke to a plain grey... well, plain, and groaned. "Aw, crudbunnies" he intoned, hands pressing down on his eyelids as he lay there on his back. (Don't be fooled... This particular epithet is considered especially strong in many cultures, especially on the conceptual planes and the Happy Place.) "Please tell me I'm dead this time."

"Ha! You wish, Mister!" a small (some might say "dinky") voice called out from somewhere near his head.

With a sigh, Visionary tilted his head back until he could regard a small, grey, stuffed animal... maybe six inches long, standing over him Imperiously. Well, it wasn't so much standing *over* him as it was kinda just standing *there*. Even with his head to the ground (and tilted back), it was really hard to find an angle from which one could look up to the self proclaimed Queen of the Universe.) "Right" he said by way of greeting. "And you are?"

"I am the nemesis that NOIs in the night! I am the epitome of elephantine evil! I am your worst nightmare!"

"Really?" the Regular checked. "Because I have to say, there's a fair amount of competition there." (Especially within the Republican Party)

"Edit my story!" the little rag-tag plush toy demanded.

"Huh" Visionary noted thoughtfully. "That sounds familiar... where have I heard that before?" (A less lazy author would provide an issue number, or at least a story link to make these footnotes serve an actual purpose. Alas.)

She sniffed her poorly attached trunk. (See last/first Baby Elephant story for the reason.) "I have no idea what you mean."

"Hey, wait a minute..." he replied, "I *have* heard that before! That's what Daio always demanded of Lisa! That's an evil Waltz demand!" (This phrasing should not suggest that a mythical "good" Waltz does in fact exist.)

"Is not" she argued.

"Is so!" Visionary countered strategically. "I know what this is! This is a smelly, dinky representation of my guilt and grief for allowing Lisa to die!"

"It not" she countered. "Maybe you're just crazy. You look crazy." (Once everyone starts dressing this way, I'm sure I'll be vindicated.)

The Regular sniffed indignantly. "No... I'm on to something, I know it. It's is exactly the kind of thing my therapist would tell me..."

"You can't be listening to the terrorists..." Baby Elephant argued like any good Republican. "That's how they get emboldened."

"Not terrorist, dammit... I don't have my own terrorist. (I have to share like everyone else.) Therapist. A mental health professional who counsels..."

"Crazy people." The little plush figure finished with a shrug. "Look, you want to go blabbing all your problems to Al Kinda, that's not really my business..."

"Dammit, my therapist isn't..." He gritted his teeth. "She's a very nice lady. Or at least she was... She recently blew up in the latest Untold Tales. (#302! Ha!) Actually, a lot of the women I know eventually blow up... It's the kind of thing I'd usually talk to my therapist about."

Baby Elephant squinted at him with suspicion. "Are you making one of those "Duck Season/Wabbit Season" arguments where I'm suppose to be getting all confuzzled about which side of the crazy argument I'm on?"

Visionary buried his face in his hands again. "You know, I don't recall Winnie the Pooh ever being this obnoxious." (That Tigger kinda got on my nerves though...)

The elephant's eyebrows raised with interest. "Did you just say "Poo"?"

"This is hell, right?" Visionary asked. "It was that "baby wrapped in bacon" thing that finally got me here, wasn't it?" He blinked suddenly. "Aw, crap... Now look what you've done! The story's gone all "self-aware"! That means it's out of continuity! Bad things happen when I fall out of continuity!" (See... um... any story where Vizh fell out of continuity. I remember Fleabot got lucky in one of them though.)

"Then edit my story, and youse can go right back in there" she argued smugly.

"Do you know how many footnotes are in that damn story?" the possibly fake man demanded in agitation. (72.) "72! Do you have any idea how many HTML tags I have to add to do that? (A *lot*.) On Google Docs and Spreadsheets, no less, because Bill *&^$&% Gates is pretty sure that my 3 year old copy of Microsoft Word shouldn't be allowed to run on my new computer because I'm only licensed to install it on one machine, something that makes me want to take a copy of friggin' Vista and shove it right up his..."

"Hmmmph" the puffy little packaderm shrugged without sympathy. "You shoulda switched to Apple."

"Right, 'cause I'm just swimming in "iPhone" kind of money" he answered bitterly. Raising an eyebrow, he looked around the featureless plain. "Hey is this where they film all those iPod commercials?"

"Edit my story"

Visionary sighed in defeat. "Maybe you're right. Crazy people. That's what's happening here. Crazy people stories are very much in vogue right now." (As opposed to when?) He rolled over and climbed onto his feet. "And dismembering, blood and/or brains splattering. If it's a Messy story, there will be brains splattering any minute now."

"Well, that would be pretty messy" she agreed. "But he ain't gonna show... ya gots ta deal with me."

Visionary considered that. "You do smell kinda like him..." he observed. (Not that I'm still upset about that whole Rabito thing. Honest.) "Still, Messy would have a gun. That makes one more likely to do as he asks."

"NOI! NOI! NOI! Edit my story SNARF!"

"Gah!" Visionary winced at the horrible, horrible sound. (and possible "Pinky and the Brain" copyright infringement.) "And if I still refuse?"

"I already has the reser'tation down at MassaMoonies for Kerry-Okie" she leered malevolently from behind imaginary tusks. "Wants to do a duet?" (You either decipher the reference or you don't. If you don't, you're probably healthier for it.)

Resigned to his fate, Visionary followed the dinky little animal. "Editing it is then. Well, on the bright side... " he noted as they faded into the grey matter, "I don't feel nearly so bad about Lisa being dead anymore."

"Just wait 'til the reading of the will" Baby Elephant crowed. "She left you the fish puns." (Don't even think about starting.)

The End. But Baby Elephant will return... (Tomorrow night. Sorry.)

Post By Visionary Thu Feb 01, 2007 at 12:31:28 am EST	Subject Visionary vs. the Elephant in the room.

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